Staring at the sky

I remembered that thing the ex husband said
About my face being all red
And how I felt I had to cover up
Always to go out, it was the look
That I chose - sometimes to be startlingly white
Looking back at the photos of my graduation night
When I qualified as a homeopath

Back after my degree
I was tanned, pierced and braided
Confident, head held high
But here, with a 6 month old baby
And a falling apart marriage, kind of faded
Into the background
Which shouldn’t have been
Because damnit this thing
That I do, that thousands of others globally work with
Is the most amazing gift to be gifted.

It’s taken time, more scars to heal
But sitting with friends who’re more raw now
More recent, coping, sometimes falling apart you see how
Much it takes to just keep on going
When you haven’t a choice, 
But keeping on you do, it’s the only way
Day after day after difficult day

There are joys there, moments of heaven
When you forget, when you sit and don’t feel beaten
Down by events, jobs to do, constant wishing
To feel better, to not feel bitter
Or feeling constantly pants, like you could be better
At this task, at mothering, at doing it all.

Doing it all. I think society has sold so many women a lie.
You can have it all - kids, career, money, successful home life
“Come on now honey
Tired? Exhausted - I don’t know why
You’ve got it all… what could be the problem?
Maybe go running, join a gym, have some more fun.”
‘What about stopping? Community to help?
No, carry on - and remember the milk.
Do the shopping, make the meals, do, do, do
What? You need to stop - you have the flu?

No, dose it up with some pharmaceutical friend
Keep going, don’t stop, you’ll soon mend’
But what if, what if that’s not the way?
If feels to me we’ve been going along
Not checking the signs, missing the warning song
Going to Birmingham instead of Totnes
One of my lecturers compared it
You can see the small Devon town in the rear view mirror
Just can’t understand why you’re not getting nearer

What if we’re all going the wrong way, more isolation,
Less community, less working together
To get things.
And what if we stopped, sat down and thought
Perhaps it’s not what we were taught
Perhaps it’s not about working so hard
We drop down and die
Perhaps it’s about swimming in the sea
And staring at the sky

Of course we need eat, have money to cover
When things go wrong, when we help out our mother
It’s amazing the rhymes that mother makes
Almost as many as her awesome cakes
Is it perhaps that mother connects
Everything in a way that we can easily miss
Because it’s so obvious it’s not always seen
Like the vital components that make up our dream

Perhaps we need to honour ourselves,
Our earth and do it different
To come together, not apart
And celebrate the beauty that community creates.
Worshipping individuals is fine
But perhaps not time after time
Forgetting that behind them 
There’s a huge crowd
Without mine, I don’t know where I’d be now.

Only when it’s dark can you see the stars

I pondered if that’s all I needed to say
But tangents and waffle I’m good at
Perhaps you’re starting to see.

In the light you can’t see those startlingly bright
Glowing planets and stars so fond of the night
And just like that, in life I wonder
If sometimes, those things that we’re fonder
Of, we don’t always know that they’re there
It’s not that we don’t really care
But maybe in the sunshine
When it’s bright and breezy
Life is flowing, delightfully easy
We don’t need to know

Those beacons of light are there for us
All the time. All the goddamn time
But only when it gets dark do we notice them shine.

Only when it’s dark can you see the stars.
Maybe only when it’s bleak and you have the scars
Then the light shines through
What does Leonard Cohen say?
The cracks are where the light gets in
What if (with full respect to him)?
The light is all there everyday
But only when the cracks appear 
Do we know that the light
Is really there all the time, 
And how beautifully so.

Then I can start to fully see
Those lights that surround me
Were always there, inside me.

I found a dinosaur

​I found a dinosaur at the beach today
It looks sort of old and is set in stone
But it made me think
After we’d been ‘in the drink’

Sitting on the pebbles with my gorgeous friend
We met through the puppies
We’d got long ago
And I’d recently felt called to swim with her
The song of the sea. A siren call.
Silently, without being asked 
I had felt called
To Drive. To go. To swim. To be
With this wise woman
I had to see.
Had to answer.
Had to swim. 
Together in the sea.

Being in that space. Women together.
Swimming free.
There’s nothing quite like it.
Relief. Contented. Joy.
Through the pain
Facing the fears
Feeling the tears 
And the dinosaur, set in stone,
Reminding me that everything,
And nothing, lasts forever.

Eternity in all things
And nothing at all
For we are all made of stars
Dinosaurs and stones
And love and smiles
Tears and pain 
And heavenly times
Like swimming with wise women
In the sea.

---

Pilgrimage to the sea
​​

The sound was fierce
The sea on the stones, 
Drawing them back into the water
With each wash of the tide on the beach.
It felt we had to ask permission to go in.
To stop, pause for a moment 
And check with the goddess of the sea
Is it OK for her? OK for me?

Walking through the waves
As they reached ever higher on my aged costume 
Which, by now is sagging and falling apart
Stitches missing, elastane gone
But it does the job, works for that time
And fits this body of mine

I’ve tried to buy new
It’s nearly see-through
But my body is long
And they’ve always felt wrong
So we’ve kept on like old friends, 
Clinging along

There was a magic out there in the bay
No one else swimming today
Just us two
And some seagulls in view
Staying respectfully shallow 
Because that sea is so big, so powerful
With so much potential 
And respecting her vastness felt essential 

The sky so big. Huge skies.
From a land with hills and peaks
To this pilgrimage to the sea
The sky was so huge
The light so mellow
That afternoon

And that noise
Like the stones were being washed clean
Like we were being cleansed
If feels like that, being washed anew
But it doesn’t always last so long you know
Before you dive back into the fray, 
And life bowls along.
And then there’s that urge to return
Like an itch you can’t scratch
Until you get in the car
And head back to the sea

Stripping off in the wind on the pebbles
Chatting as you change
Laughing as you run down the beach
Hair flying uncontrollably
And then the water hits
And changes everything once again.
Soothes. Calms. Allows
Things to be felt
Unspoken things become speakable
Become shared confidences

All things are there
Allowed to be in this sacred space
All things. No holds barred
Nothing too censored
The healing
The seeing
The being seen by another
Without judgement
In the the sea
Is it OK for you? OK for me?

In homeopathy ‘Natrum Mur’
The song of the sea
The individual hurting
Broken hearted and grieving
Is it any wonder
That we flock to the shores
To be held by her wonder
Bathe in her seas
And be healed,
​Little by little, day by day?

Jan Scholten (another homeopathy reference
It’s my big passion, bear with me)
Compares Muriaticum  
to the mother archetype
So should he be right
We’re being held by the original 
Time immaterial, there’s only this one
Where all things came from
These amazing waters
Being washed clean to begin anew.

​On stopping
​And perhaps why it is so hard

We’re trained from an early age
That the best way, the route to the stage
Is to be doing. 
Don’t be lazy, keep going.

Clubs, classes, learning lots
Don’t stray, don’t step out of the box
Keep striving to the top
And don’t you ever stop

To some extent I agree
There’s elements here that I won’t argue
Sometimes you do have to keep on
Keeping on

And sometimes it’s hard
And best to keep ploughing
One foot after another
And not to stray
Not to get lost another day

But what if there was no ‘there’ 
To get to?
What if not only the destination
But also the journey 
Were sort of irrelevant

What if we didn’t have to notch up holidays
Glamorous, extravagant, exclusive missions
Like amorous teen lays
On the bedpost
And we could settle into a gentler rhythm 
Of being here, enjoying life?
Not needing to escape

What if we stepped off the conveyor belt
Stopped rushing 
And just felt
The breeze
In the trees

And felt relieved
That ‘there’ was a construct
A mental concept
And actually there’s no rush to be anywhere
At all.

So the grieving was fine to be felt
With no push to be ‘over it’
No rush to be ‘done’
To be moving onto the next one

No battle to be fought
No history to be taught 
But to learn how to see pictures in the clouds
Dance and sing out loud

With laughter and love
And compassion in teaching
Algebra? Not today, we’re learning
How to braid hair, make bread
Sort out the engine

Choosing with joy
What we’d like to do
Following our hearts
Maybe not leaving the arts

Like so many were told
How about we be bold
Listen to our belly
It’ll not lead you astray

Leaning to trust our intuition
And hear, listen out
When there’s a whisper
 Not needing a shout

When something deep inside us says
You need to rest
Let’s stop and listen
Instead of bowling on 
Not paying attention.

Going Home

​
So much time 
Has passed
Since I left his arms
It was hard to go
When we left
My mind was shaky

And here today
It’s time to go home
Happily feeling
Like a dog with a bone

But a little nervous too
Will it return
That feeling I felt
Before I left
Too huge to contain
Within my brain

Feeling assured of love to return to
I’ve got this
The space has been healing
And he’s always been about
 accepting my feelings

Nurturing me
Hearing me be
What I call crazy
He says is OK

Grateful to find
Someone like this
Someone so lovely
To hold me and kiss
Me and tell me "Today
It’ll all be OK"

Don’t get me wrong 
He can drive me insane 
Do my head in
Have me wanting to run off
Down the lane

But it’s fair to say
I’ve never found
Someone like this
So patient 
(and crazily impatient too!)
So committed to learning
And growing with me
I’m thankful for this
And grateful for all
The ‘crazy’ has shown me
It’s been illuminating 
And challenging
But without it all
I wouldn’t be me.

And so today
I’m happy to say
I’m going home
Sat nav, please now
Show me the way

Noise
And how sometimes it drowns out what’s inside

It’s funny, we’ve been away 
And I realised, just today 
that we’ve not watched the TV.
An unintended consequence
Of being on holiday
Doing different things each day

The poems have flowed
Words gifted to me from I know not where
Not forcing but flowing
Inspiration from everywhere

It may be so
That a long drive 
Is more to blame 
Than the box on the wall
We relaxed with
After our journey home

But it’s fair to say
That I feel somewhat wary
Of the dangers, 
the numbing effect
Of glaring at the set 
For several hours

It’s time, I feel
To remember to play
To leave ‘Gilmore girls’ 
For another day
For much as I love that series
I also ponder “will it being
My poetry to its knees?”

And, whilst I’m here
It does concern me
That it’s possible 
To be constantly entertained 
All
The
Time

Bring back boredom
Allow the mind to wander
Talk nonsense
And simply ponder
At the marvellousness 
Of it all, this whole crazy world

So much bigger than a 4 inch
Or even a 60 inch plasma or LCD screen
Lie in the forest
Swim naked in the sea
Sit, stare, and just be.

It seems a night of Gilmore
Didn’t take my words away
But I’m intrigued what would happen 
If I did it day after day

Someone else’s thoughts 
Constantly in my head
It’s kind of overwhelming
And whilst it is easy
To sit with the TV
I’d rather do something else instead.

Divide and conquer

To divide is to make less I was always taught
In schools, primary and secondary
Though once studying my degree
Along came cell division, leading to more
And cancers, an unstoppable growth
Dividing from the healthy cells I guess
Hopefully (if they’re there at all that is)
Kept in an encapsulated mass
And not spreading through the body
Like some teen on an underage drinking spree
Going everywhere they wanted
Without thought for the consequences

But it all got me thinking
About the language used
The military terms
To handle division
And how hatred can grow
Like some cancers, not slow…
Throughout society
Similar to what could go on
inside the body

And how the hatred is not helpful
In either situation
For whilst we may not be loving the journey
Be struggling with the part
It’s part of the whole
And that needs our heart

So back to division
I’m sure we’ve all heard
That old quote
‘Divide and conquer’
But did you know 
Where it’s from?

I did some research
For this poem
And stumbled across
Maya Angelou
Who I often think of
As a great source of wisdom:

“In the 16th century, [Niccolò] Machiavelli - in 
an attempt to get back in the good graces of 
the powerful - wrote a slim volume called The 
Prince. In that book he showed the powers that 
be how to control the people. That book is a 
statement: separate and rule, divide and 
conquer. That's five hundred years ago and it 
still works, because we allow ourselves to be 
lead around with holes through our noses.”

How fascinating, at least to me
That history is still playing out
Those wise folk that tell us 
History always repeats
Surely not so if we learn?
If we stand with love
And refuse to ‘burn
The witch’

We’ve been there done that
Even got the fucking hat
Excuse the French
On this one I’m fairly passionate 
Working the last 14 years as a homeopath
And spending years training before that

But hearing all the time on the media
About how it’s rubbish,
We all try to deceive ya
And con you into taking potions 
And lotions
It’s all kind of laughable
So badly informed
But just another example
Of why we need reforms

Because if we look harder
Pause for a moment
It’s possible we might just see through
Before we jump in to comment
We might look at who the research 
Was funded by
And see instead of caring
For the people 
it’s more like that story 
of Andrew Carnegie
Who apparently sent researchers out
To see which form of medicine
Brought in the greatest amount 
Of income, not health
Yes, so often this is all about wealth

So in this current story, “to do or not do”
I’m beginning to feel that more engagement
May be the way
Instead of feeling enragement 
Because surely that traps us 
On two separate sides
And makes it easier
To rule and divide

How about genuine, authentic dialogue
Not worshipping one side
Like a distorted demigod?
Because surely then that is more healing
To stand together whatever we’re feeling
And not to create a two tiered society
Because from the research 
I don’t think it is likely 
That the vial is the only way out 
It takes so much more
To show a virus the door
But arguing, bickering
About which system is king
Feels pointless and petty
And to be honest pretty
Much what those in power would want

So whether you’re on your white horse, 
Or on your broom
You’re all welcome in my living room
Please excuse the flippancy
You see

For me all the witches were
Were wise women, working with gentle medicines
In harmony with nature, in harmony with self
And of course, a big threat to the system
Do you yet see the relevance
Of history once again repeating herself?

And the need to throw out anything that doesn’t conform
To the powers that be, should surely alarm
Especially when, as we’ve done it before
We’re once again putting profit before
Our amazing potential
Our future health
And that’s worth so much more than 
Some billionaires wealth

If you don’t look after your body there’s no place to live
Said Jim Rohn 
And later repeated by Jason Vale
And many others 
Let’s not buy into the divide and conquer
It seems so silly
When you look at it fully
For whatever choice
You take
Whichever line you join

There are choices I don’t wish to make
And of course others that I do
But surely, surely we can be big enough
To say ‘this persons my friend,
Of course we’re not the same
But that doesn’t mean this is the end’

Let’s not allow ourselves
To be manipulated
To be separated
For convenience
Let’s stand together
Whatever our choice
Because there 
we have the loudest voice

I get that it’s polarised of course
But the media drives a large wedge
And, it could just be me
But surely that’s not making free
Choices, doing what someone is paid
Fortunes to tell us to do

I get for some it’s pretty horrific
I couldn’t stand here and deny it
Equally though the cure isn’t perfect
I’ve seen plenty say it just wasn’t worth it
Check out Eric Clapton’s tale
Of how (his word) ‘propaganda’ meant
He almost couldn’t play

And here I feel I must bring this verse to a close
And bow out
For whatever you plan
I’ll still happily hold your hand
You’ll be welcome at my table
But can we chat about something else
Because this is getting stale
The fact that strangers think your health history 
Is a viable question 
Seems to me
A strange situation.