I remembered that thing the ex husband said
About my face being all red
And how I felt I had to cover up
Always to go out, it was the look
That I chose - sometimes to be startlingly white
Looking back at the photos of my graduation night
When I qualified as a homeopath
Back after my degree
I was tanned, pierced and braided
Confident, head held high
But here, with a 6 month old baby
And a falling apart marriage, kind of faded
Into the background
Which shouldn’t have been
Because damnit this thing
That I do, that thousands of others globally work with
Is the most amazing gift to be gifted.
It’s taken time, more scars to heal
But sitting with friends who’re more raw now
More recent, coping, sometimes falling apart you see how
Much it takes to just keep on going
When you haven’t a choice,
But keeping on you do, it’s the only way
Day after day after difficult day
There are joys there, moments of heaven
When you forget, when you sit and don’t feel beaten
Down by events, jobs to do, constant wishing
To feel better, to not feel bitter
Or feeling constantly pants, like you could be better
At this task, at mothering, at doing it all.
Doing it all. I think society has sold so many women a lie.
You can have it all - kids, career, money, successful home life
“Come on now honey
Tired? Exhausted - I don’t know why
You’ve got it all… what could be the problem?
Maybe go running, join a gym, have some more fun.”
‘What about stopping? Community to help?
No, carry on - and remember the milk.
Do the shopping, make the meals, do, do, do
What? You need to stop - you have the flu?
No, dose it up with some pharmaceutical friend
Keep going, don’t stop, you’ll soon mend’
But what if, what if that’s not the way?
If feels to me we’ve been going along
Not checking the signs, missing the warning song
Going to Birmingham instead of Totnes
One of my lecturers compared it
You can see the small Devon town in the rear view mirror
Just can’t understand why you’re not getting nearer
What if we’re all going the wrong way, more isolation,
Less community, less working together
To get things.
And what if we stopped, sat down and thought
Perhaps it’s not what we were taught
Perhaps it’s not about working so hard
We drop down and die
Perhaps it’s about swimming in the sea
And staring at the sky
Of course we need eat, have money to cover
When things go wrong, when we help out our mother
It’s amazing the rhymes that mother makes
Almost as many as her awesome cakes
Is it perhaps that mother connects
Everything in a way that we can easily miss
Because it’s so obvious it’s not always seen
Like the vital components that make up our dream
Perhaps we need to honour ourselves,
Our earth and do it different
To come together, not apart
And celebrate the beauty that community creates.
Worshipping individuals is fine
But perhaps not time after time
Forgetting that behind them
There’s a huge crowd
Without mine, I don’t know where I’d be now.